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Make peace
Plan a hard conversation, or say sorry well. With a partner, a friend, family, a roommate, a coworker, a neighbor. Answer a few sentence-starters and the page drafts the words, with gentle checks for the phrases that tend to start a fight. Then say it in person, send it, or print your notes.
If you are afraid of this person
- You don’t owe anyone a face-to-face talk. If they have hurt, threatened or controlled you, meeting to “make peace” can be dangerous. This page is not for that.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you think it through and plan for safety: call 1-800-799-7233, any hour.
- Danger right now: call 911. Thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. En español, marca 2.
In the conversation
- One topic at a time. Old arguments will want to join in. Save them for another day.
- Listen, then say back what you heard before you answer: “So it sounds like you felt…” People calm down when they feel understood, even without agreement.
- Take a break if voices rise. When your heart is pounding, it is hard to hear anyone. Agree a time to come back, and keep to it.
- It doesn’t have to be settled in one talk. “Let’s both think about it and talk again on Sunday” is progress.
- They may not be ready. You can say your part kindly and still not get the answer you hoped for. That is their choice, and saying it was still worth it.
Words for the hard moments
- “Can we stop for 20 minutes and come back to this? I want to get it right.”
- “I’m not trying to win. I want us to be OK.”
- “Let me check I’ve got it: you’re saying…”
- “You’re right about that part.”
- “I didn’t know it felt like that for you. Thank you for telling me.”
Good to know
A request is not a demand
A request is something they could say no to. If “no” would lead to punishment or the silent treatment, it is a demand, and people push back against demands. Asking for something specific and doable makes a yes much easier.
An apology is not an explanation
Reasons matter, but in the first moment they can sound like excuses. Own it first. If they want to know why, they will ask, and then it helps.
Forgiveness is theirs to give
You can apologise well and still have to wait, or never be forgiven. A good apology is still the right thing to do, and keeping to what you said you would change speaks louder than the words.
Text is fine when talking is hard
For many people, especially autistic people and people with social anxiety, a written message is clearer and calmer than a face-to-face talk. Say that plainly: “It’s easier for me to write this down.”
The four parts for raising something (what happened, how I felt, what I need, what I’m asking) follow the shape of Nonviolent Communication, developed by the psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. We are not connected with it; this page is our own plain-language take.
When it needs more than one talk
- A neutral third person can help when you keep going round in circles: a mediator, a counselor or couples therapist, a faith leader or a trusted elder you both respect. Many communities have mediation centers that are free or low-cost.
- At work, a manager, HR or a union rep may be able to help. If you need changes because of a disability, our work accommodation letter can help you ask in writing.
- Too upset to start? Breathe and ground first, or break the task into tiny steps with One step at a time.
- Can’t get the words out in the moment? Speak for me has tap-to-show messages, and How I work helps you explain what you need from people.
- All our free tools and Get help now.
This page, its sentence-starters, its checks and its example words were written with AI (Claude) for Scarlet Beast (our AI policy). Scarlet Beast is an open door for neurodivergent people, and this is for anyone. Found a mistake, or a check we should add? Email [email protected].